Hmmmm

today i woke up crying. and for that moment i didn't actually kno why. at first i thought it may had been something from my dreams but i couldn't remember what i dreamed about. so i'm wide eyed running around with tears streaking down my face and then i realized it: i'm leaving rome. and goodness i have just as many good memories and recently some regrets. 

i've learned a lot  about myself i think. i realized i still have many child like tendencies. i'm 20 years old and i still can't wrap my mind around certain concepts. every time i seem to run into problems many times i push these issues off. sometimes they're really important things and i KNOW that but for some reason, rather than deal with the issues then i always push it off until i'm "ready." and when i DO get around to fixing it, it's too late or i don't have enough time to fully address the issue. somehow i end up defeating myself long before i've even tried and i fill the void in between with all sorts of silly things.

and i keep looking for some sort of acceptance. some sort of reassurance that i'm wanted or needed by someone. so i help others when i should help myself and i look for affection where i may never get it. goodness! it's a good thing i have this incredibly rational mind or else i might as well just be an alcoholic. so i think i was crying because i felt so sorry for myself. because somehow no matter how many times i've told myself that "i've learned from this" i seem to make the same mistakes over and over again. and i do them KNOWING that i'm making these mistakes. and i don't understand WHY i can't just keep whatever motivation that i have to see these things through. i feel like as time has gone on i've just LOST a large part of my spirit and i don't kno where it's gone. because i don't seem to be as strong, as defiant, and as strong willed as before. i think i've become a pale version of what i used to be and i don't kno where i lost the more vibrant me.

so i think because i've discovered that that maybe i've found a piece of something that i lost before coming here. and i've been half looking for it. these pieces--i need to gather them fast and carry them back home before i fall apart! only a couple of weeks left to create more memories. so many these past few days. i'm happy---i guess---but i'm so  heart broken! *sighs* ahhhhhh!