Recap Part 1: Race and Rome

well i'm definitely behind and lots have happened since my last entry so it's high time i stopped being lazy and started bringing ppl up to speed.

a couple of weekends ago (pretty sure it was still january then...oops...) me and michi, and new friend jillian donned some chill clothing and decided to brave the kinda sketchy italian student neighborhood, san lorenzo. 

during the day san lorenzo is creepy as hell. it's deserted because the student residents are at school and because it's cold, they're in doors. every inch of EVERYTHING is cover in graffiti, from simple tagging to politically charged comments. everything from "lazio merda" (lazio shit---lazio is the facist soccer team in rome) to swastikas and communist signs, to peace and rainbows, to full scale works of arts. it's a great and terrible beauty! by nightfall tho, the streets come alive in ways you wouldn't believe! every inch of it covered in young, smoking, drunk, rowdy, (and hot italian boys) young people. there was SO MUCH to see. it was obviously a non tourist spot so we had literally thrown ourselves headfirst into the italian cultural pool. 

first we kinda wandered around. i mean, we obviously stuck out as not being italian. we didn't linger with the other italian people there who were in crowds of 7 or more, so 3 free-floaters are a dead give away. and also, michi is korean, i'm black, and jillian is like 5' 9" when the average italian girl height is like 5' 3" so it's not like we blended in in anyway. we settled on one bar where the bartenders were really nice. if i remember correctly i didn't really have any money on my so i didn't order a drink but michi and jill did. we spent most of the time giggling and observing our surroundings. italians are VERY interesting to watch, and it's not just the crazy hand waving--it's also the eye contact and body language. you could always tell when it was a group of friends or lovers going out. italian men are very romantic, can hardly keep their hands off their blushing girlfriends. i guess it's kinda cute--sometimes it's kinda sleezy---but it's still not american so therefor very enchanting.

after an hour or so there, we decided we had failed miserably at our mission (that was to meet hot italian boys and practice our italian with them) and stopped by to get something to eat. i remember that i had just straightened my hair that night (i had been keeping it curly since i got there) we had only been in rome for 2-3 weeks i think...but i was very conscious of race in a way that i didn't think i would be. rome isn't a racist city---they have immigrants all over the place so it's kinda impossible to shock anyone with race. but that doesn't mean everyone is particularly welcoming. most of the immigrants here are african or asian. most of the asian immigrants are from china. you rarely see them but they do own little restaurants here and there and sell things in large market places. however, the annoying street vendors and solicitors that liter rome almost to a fault are lybian, tunisian, egyptian, ect---north african. very dark skin or dusty brown middle eastern skin. they are very much disliked almost as much as the gypsies who are facing crisis as the new right-winged italian prime minister (that some call the next mussolini---which is VERY bad) is taking away their homes and trying to force them out the country.

now, while my skin isn't as dark as the north africans, as i am half nigerian myself, i have african features as well as medium to dark shaded skin. i'm always getting stares, and more of polite curiosity as i'm difficult to place. i'm not selling anything even tho i look african enough to be like those vendors, i'm young but i'm not carrying a baby or asking for money so i'm not poor, i have a book bag so maybe i'm a student but i don't speak italian so maybe i'm british? perhaps luckily (or unluckily?) so the last assumption they make is that i'm american. but i'm okay with it, the stares crack me up. i knows it's out of polite interest and it doesn't bother me anymore. but if there is one thing that i do know, it's when i'm being looked down upon. those stares are dark and menacing or dismissive. those people don't meet my eyes and mutter under their breath when they see me. but i don't think much of that either---i come from the so called "land of the free and home of the brave" but i've experience similar things. i don't know, maybe i was secretly hoping that coming to italy would mean something different? or maybe i was worried all along that race would be an issue but i was secretly hoping to be wrong.

but then i was right...

the boys that we ran into were nice enough. but the atmosphere changed. at that time i didn't know much italian but i knew when they were saying underhanded comments and i especially knew that it was particularly about me. they turned their backs to me, they dismissed my words and one went as far as to say, "you and you can come with us (referring to michi and jillian) but she can just go away." before that point i knew i was being singled out and it made be very uncomfortable but michi and jill were enjoying themselves because they guys generally liked THEM. i didn't feel threatened enough to say something, but when that guy said that i to me i was so angry and hurt. i think because he verbally communicated what i was feeling the whole time and i just didn't want to here it. shame, i didn't know how to curse. i just walked away. i was aggravated that jill and michi didn't notice, i was aggravated that when i started walking away they kept calling me to come back. i couldn't blame them, i DIDN'T blame them but i wanted them to understand what i obviously couldn't explain. i knew it wasn't because i was black. jill is black too---but jill is about 35 million shades lighter than me. i think it was the darkness of my skin that singled me out. it's not something i could hide. not something i WANTED to hide anyway---i'm proud of the color of my skin and i'm proud of my odd name and where i come from even if it wasn't always like that.

they followed me to the piazza where the other young people were gathered. but they were far enough behind that they didn't here the hissing, the barking--literally barking like dogs at me, the "hey africa!" people were yelling at me, and the kissing noises of men trying to hire me like i was prostitute. and when they asked me what was wrong i just snapped. i wanted to cry, i wanted to scream, i wanted to LEAVE and it bothered me that rather than rush away they insisted i tell them what was wrong. i didn't even want to talk about it and they were angry at ME that i was angry. maybe thought i was jealous that the guys were talking to them and not to me, i don't know, but i had to hold everything inside. the boy apologized to me and said "joking! joking!" but i'm not STUPID, i just didn't know how to say that in italian. when they all left none of them said goodbye to me, i was just happy to get a taxi and get home.

i cried myself to sleep that night. i didn't hate italian people, but i hated those boys for making me feel worthless and uncomfortable and self conscious about the color of my skin.  and i hated them for ruining what ignorance i had on the subject of race in rome because no matter how you slice it, ignorance IS bliss. it crushed my spirit and whatever it was inside of me that made me bold and defiant, was silenced. for the first time in such rare occasions i was at a loss for words because i couldn't quite communicate them that way. and when i woke up the next day i was empty inside. but i think i decided that i wasn't going to let that experience ruin the rest of my time here. i think that's why some three weeks later that experience is such a distant memory and even though thinking about it makes me feel terrible i'm still eager to learn more about italian culture. and i HAVE.

recap part 1 is over---wow---i had a lot to say...